Sis.

She's the one on the right. My best friend. My sister. CarPar.
For four years we've faced our teenage years together.
But now she is almost 18 and we're going to part. But we'll come back to each other.
It only goes up for us. I believe that. In the name of Jesus and His faithfulness, I believe that.

 I had *almost* published this post about four times before I actually did. There is so much I feel I'm leaving out. But I think you will get the point.

I just wanted to say that there are not many people I know who are more courageous, loyal, and loving as she is.

Carly has been forgiving to me when I mess up (I mess up a LOT). She tells me her honest thoughts, even if they sting a little. But her words are always spoken with grace. And when she is the one to make a mistake, she confesses and shows brave humility.  I desire a vulnerability and rawness like hers.

I have shared with her what no other friend of mine has heard. Even if I didn't want to. And that's normal for her, to be vented to. Because the people trust her. She's everybody's friend. The in-crowd, the outcasts, etc. You name it. I mean, I'm 97% sure her Sweet 16 was the entire population of Houston in one room. A different year she had an American girl-themed party and invited all the little girls she knew ages 3-6. She welcomes them all, and she wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, dear readers, she is a party inside of a human body. She is not afraid to intimidate if it means being herself. You can't see her eyes in pictures because she squints them from smiling so big. She knows joy full well. And she's really funny. If you ever see her, ask her about her penguin joke. It makes no sense and that is the point. You can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness. Carly is wonderful, and you could never convince me otherwise, also because one time she let me read her elementary/ middle school diary all the way through. I almost died of the hilarity. Only the best of friends go that far.

Did I mention that she's gorgeous? She won a pageant one time, I was told. Ha. Hello, eyelashes-for-days. But I'm not kidding— she is beautiful in every way. I hope and pray she knows that.

But— my most favorite thing about her is her God, straight up. She listens & speaks to Him intimately.   She celebrates life in all its hardness, because of the cross. The answers to her many questions are intentionally sought out in our Father. I have noticed an appreciation of simplicity in her. Sometimes what I overlook, she sees. She soaks in the Love without all the fancy, frilly, unnecessary junk.

Jesus is the only reason for our growth. I am forever grateful for the blessing He's given our sisterhood.

 Next August, Carly is escaping her comfort and traveling across the world for 9 months. She's heading on #OperationFlyBabyFly, her momma says. It's her story to tell, so you can read it here.
Pray for her fervently with me in this new season? She, and even more so the Kingdom of God, is deserving of your supportive participation, if you are feeling the nudge to do so.

Carly Elizabeth Parker is a light on this earth and in our friendship.
The selfish part of me wants to keep her all to myself, but I couldn't be so cruel to the world to do such a thing.

Sweet will be the flower

There's something about the wild unpopularity of poetry that pulls me in. Or maybe it's that it is like nothing else you'll read, but you seem to find it in every feature of life.

When I feel like I am too much and not enough at the same time, I head to the pages of rhythmic words. They're steady. They remind me why I cling on to hope. They welcome me home. 

Sometimes God tells us to do something, and the time we decide to say yes is when He makes us wait for the good part. And we may never see it until the day we go. But William Cowper helps me remember how much the good part will be worth it.

"His purposes will ripen fast,

Unfolding every hour;

The bud may have a bitter taste,

But sweet will be the flower."

Poetry will slow you down if you let it. I embrace that, and read every word like it's my last. Think about it. His purposes are unfolding… every. single. hour. 

The promise of Jesus. Hallelujah. 

Or maybe you've been seeking, but faith won't seem to show its face…

I am weary of trying, God.

Charles Wesley tells me to start with being honest to the One in whom our faith is grounded.

"Fill me, Radiancy Divine, 

Scatter all my unbelief,

More and more thyself display,

Shining to the perfect day."

The poets become my friends. In Scripture and song, they're present. they enter in and point me back to the Father. 

So I tread on with steadfastness and hope, holding pages to my chest, reaching my hand to touch the glimpse of light shining so uniquely in a universe of darkness.

"Light! more light! the

shadows deepen,

And my life is ebbing low,

Throw the windows widely open: 

Light! more light!"

-Frances Ellen Watkins Harper

Stillness in the hardness

When the last couple of days on the road have been long and especially heavy, home is wildly sweeter. And one of the first things I do is organize my jewelry, so my life is just a little more put together.

I hoped that this so, very hard and heavy thing would never have to happen. That I would not deal with the pain it causes. But deep down, I knew I could not help it. I chose the life of its inevitability, because I chose love. And love— it hurts sometimes. Immensely.  I can testify that now more than ever.

But though The Lord slay me, still I will praise Him. 

And, if I'm being honest– this, I do not think, is the worst of it. This is not the closest to home that it could unfortunately, possibly be. Then how does it feel so? I do not know.

I wept consistently, for a reason I could not completely understand at the time.

Because I'd only talked to him maybe once. I barely knew him.

I wish I had.

If I was aware of what little time he had left on this earth, I would have made an effort.

What would I say if I could go back in time to when I sat right across from him at the dinner table?

He was walking to church when it happened. Yesterday. Yesterday. The scene keeps replaying in my mind. If he'd only left 5 minutes earlier. 

Make it stop. Oh, please, make it stop.

 I… I can't think like that. I shouldn't be.

Everything all at once— it makes me wonder. How could I be so selfish?

His family, his community— their surrendering trust was jaw-dropping. I cannot even imagine what I'd done in their place.

I don't have to worry about what they do in that part of the world. My God, the unmentionable things. How is it that the claimed "unmentionable" is, a lot of the time, the most necessary to mention in this world? Oh, the tragic irony.

Shame on me for not bothering to make time to bend on my knees, to lower my head, to plead for these people. This person.

What am I to do about this?

I will trust Him with my story, and the trials that come with.

Though the Lord slay me, still I will praise Him. 

Last week I wrote about being still. I had no idea the sort of "unmentionable" that was coming. My Saviour did, of course. Because when life gets hard, I get going. He knows that. I want busyness and distraction. Stillness seems almost impossible— but right now I've learned it's imperative. My grieving and lamenting is teaching me how to truly rest.

  Is this a glimpse of good emerging from its once-dark place? 

Stillness is not synonymous with stopping. It does not mean being lazy or wasteful, as I thought before. I avoided sabbath, in fear of losing time for a worthy-of-being-told story. I hated the mundane. I wanted to do something about the hard thing. But I know I cannot. Now, I see it is the stillness that helps get you through.

Maybe the stillness is the doing something. It is perhaps what makes your story its fullest.

Because all those wonderful, meaningful things that come from being still— they grow you.

Stillness *with God*= movement in the Kingdom of God. That is what it is. 

He gave me a renewed definition.

And today, I think organizing jewelry was my being still & my kingdom work for my life. Even if only for today or this week. I don't know how, but it got me stirring. It confuses me in some fancy-kinda-metaphorical way. I guess this is the mystery of my Father.

Though the Lord slay me, still. I. will. praise. Him. 

Forever and ever.

Refuse to run

This is it.

…what I've been asking for as long as I can remember. 

God, rid me of everything else but You. I want to live completely by Your will for me.

I've been uncomfortable. Physically, spiritually and, emotionally. 

That can't be what I was implying, though, right? 

But it is. Do I take it all back? Was I kidding myself for wanting this? 

Saying yes to you, God, feels so good at the start. I am on top of the world. The largeness and significance is uplifting. Is that the only reason I am traveling? So people will think of me as important? 

The missionary. So wise beyond her years. God has something BIG in store for her. 

What about when they don't? What if they see me as, heaven forbid… normal? Will I still be satisfied with only You? I hope so.

I've missed out on so much back home. Or rather, what feels like much.

But I also don't want to be the person who isn't willing to stay (or in this case, go) during the doubtful seasons. I don't want to be a runner at the first glance of sacrifice. Anything that isn't complete commitment is not really commitment at all. 

When I say yes to You, I am saying NO to anything else. Even if it means I will be hidden and unseen by the world. Even if it means doing what I am not always "in the mood for". Even if it means doing what the world sees as foolish and impossible. Even if it means… I can't believe I'm saying this…staying home. 

Whatever it is, Jesus. I surrender. No conditions. No exceptions. No take-backs.

A lil' writing about writing.

Two posts in one day. I don't even know who I am anymore. It might be because I have been in bed all day feeling under the weather. Or maybe I am just avoiding math.

I'd say the latter.

Words come so easily to some people. It makes me sick. I take hours to write even a birthday card, let alone a blog post. I expect perfectionism in my most personal journals. Am I pressured to write beautifully for others? Do I feel the need to write super long, life-changing truths stringed into paragraphs to impress?

The answer is yes, I'm afraid to say.

I keep asking people how I can become a better writer. They almost always say something along the lines of, "Never stop writing. Don't overthink it. Don't edit anything. Just read and write."

Yeah. Easier said than done. But I'm working on it.

Spirit, be the guide for my writing, no matter what anyone else's opinions are, because I know it is what you want me to do:

"Write therefore the things that you have seen, those that are and those that are to take place…" (Revelation. 1:19)

Do it again.

I'm social media fasting for a couple of days. Blogging doesn't count, does it? I don't know.

Because, this quote– I can't avert it:

"Because children have abounding vitality, 
because they are in spirit fierce and free, 
therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. 
They always say, “Do it again”; 
and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. 
For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. 
But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. 
It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; 
and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. 
It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; 
it may be that God makes every daisy separately, 
but has never got tired of making them. 
It may be that he has the eternal appetite of infancy; 
for we have sinned and grown old, 
and our Father is younger than we."
~G.K. Chesterton from Orthodoxy

Could it be that our omnipotent, alpha-and-omega God is younger in spirit than anyone? Is this what He means when He tells us to have childlike faith? To find purpose in the old & repeated? 

Perhaps, instead of praying for new & miraculous things to happen all the time so our faith won't bore, we should be asking for a renewed faith to see the miraculous in what is already happening. This is exulting in the monotony. 

I need to remember this on the mundane days. Would God have created them just for the heck of it? I'm not so convinced. I think those days are just as much a partaker in the big story as anything else. I believe, when you take a magnifying glass and observe closely, they aren't really mundane at all. 

Maybe it's not life that has become dull, but our own selves. 

Wonder

My grandparents moved from the house they'd lived in for as long as I've been alive. I was not particularly happy about it. I mean, that was their house. It's all I've known of theirs. I could not bring myself to imagine another family calling it home. It sounded weird. 

Well, I visited the new house a couple days ago. Their backyard gave me an immediate change of mind. I LOVE IT, YOU GUYS. It's not anything special, but there are flowers growing on the fence and the most perfect climbing tree. That's all you really need anyway. 

I mean, look. Sigh.

You know when you're looking at something and you receive a feeling of… want? Like a sudden desire for something more has been born in you? That's what happens when I see sunlight coming through. The hope. The wonder.

 The curiosity and desire to know about the Creator sometimes is more comforting than actually knowing. Or maybe the wondering about Him IS knowing Him. Knowing He is big enough that we don't have to hold all the answers. How powerful is He that we humans might not be able to comprehend on this earth the entirety of Him?

The wonder.

And what I most love about wonder is that there's no limit to how infinitesimal or prodigious something has to be for a person to experience it.

The never-ending, mysterious universe beyond our own galaxy. The variety of detail in the petals of each flower. It's all by Him, and it all gives me so much gratefulness. So much desire to KNOW.

The little and "less important" creation is of equal worth to the big. He is a mighty and holy God, oh yes He is. But BECAUSE He also notices what others may not. Might we do the same? Might we be strong enough to wonder about the considerable AND the inconsiderable?

What do I know of wonder? Help me, O God. Help me to never lose it.
Even when it comes smallest and most monotonous things. Especially when it comes to those. Like light coming through that one tree in my grandparents' backyard. 

A Word for the Bride: God's Love vs. the world's love

To the Church, the Body, the Bride of Christ:

Last week I visited my parent's small group. One of the members, a lady fittingly nicknamed "Rabbi", spoke something that has not since left my mind. I will paraphrase and add in my own thoughts on here, but it's the same idea:

The modern church has started to promote love as being synonymous with toleration, specifically of sin. We are so set on putting the "What" into action that we forget about proclaiming the "Why".
Are we scared of people thinking we are forcing God into their lives? Because they can't say we are if it is in the form of personal testimony: "I am choosing to love you regardless BECAUSE of what JESUS did for ME." Loving people not by only being kind to them, but loving them BY loving Him.

Justification from Paul the apostle... 

"So that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth IN LOVE, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up IN LOVE." (Ephesians 4:14-16)

Notice the words like "builds" and "grow". Both having to do with getting bigger and expanding. As in, the Body of Christ. Us. And what better way to grow the Kingdom than share stories of His love shown in our own lives also? (And they have conquered satan by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony... Revelation 12:11a)

Think of Jesus when the people tried to keep Him from leaving them. He said, "I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns as well; for I was sent for THIS PURPOSE." (Luke 4:42-43)

Oh, dear Church, are we not to be like Him?

Or what about this:
"Now I would remind you, brothers, of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand, and by which you are being saved, if you hold fast to the word I preached to you-- unless you believed in vain. For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that He was buried, that He was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures." (1 Corinthians 15: 1-4)

Or us being SENT by God to go and make disciples? (Matthew 28:19-20)


Church, let's stop the "Do what makes you happy". Go deeper than surface-level. People could mistake our intentions of loving the sinner/hating the sin for encouragement to keep on keepin' on. The Jesus-kind-of-Love is different than society's view of love. So, if we are not secure in what His word says Real Love is, we could be unintentionally loving people straight to hell.


It sounded pretty intense to me, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is just crazy-sounding enough to be true.

That is why, when I was asked the question, "If you could say one thing to The Church, what would it be?"

...my answer is this: Please Church, let's Love. Like, Real Love.

I was hesitant at first, thinking it might be too cliché of a response. I prayed to God over it, asking Him to give me the right words to say. He told me that for His Love to be cliché is not possible. Because True Love can never be and will never be. He is too unique and mighty for such a commonplace reputation. 

Love is important. It's a pillar of all things good. God is the very essence of it (1 John 4:16).

Love is trusting in the faithfulness of Him.

Love is being brave.

Love is taking action for justice.

Love is being kind.
Love is being intentional and purposeful.

Love is desiring wisdom to make the right decisions.

Love is how we grow.

Love is resisting temptation.

Love is choosing.

Love moves mountains.

I could go on, but I'll say only one more.
Love is preaching the Gospel.

So, Church, next time we are being driven by a love, let's use God-given discernment to make sure it's the one that is founded by Him.